Chronic Illness, but make it look pretty.

I’m sure there are many ways I could go with this. I won’t drone on, but I will share the pain feels like death.

Like I’m the one winning this dumb race none of us really want to win.

I never asked it to make me forget about life.

&

Everyday I find a new opportunity to make this place, in my body, known it is the temple it is.

The Story:

While this is all personal, some part of me know’s women are not alone in this hell hole of a medical system.

We know, very well, things have not been right for a long time, and the facts are in the lack of research.

Part of this is to elaborate on where I’ve been, to help you understand this person’s page your exploring. As is the other, I am a chronically ill person, with a disease called Sjögren's. I feel the dialogue for functionally working adults, heavy masking, is limited and geared towards fixing the problem for you to function more efficiently, or random joke memes on the internet about how we are all dying.

This disease impacts my bone, muscles, joints, hormone levels, my esophagus, GI tract, liver, etc. Due to my bodies inability to retain water, my nutrient retention is also impacted. Ideally my diet is my medicine, and supplements do what they do. They are very supportive yes, and particularly for my nerve pain, I have yet to locate an herb that helps with this.

I’ve experiences years, of head trauma, CPTSD, that has ultimately led to a more severe case.

I cannot work a normal job. I’ll be honest when I first started understanding this about myself, I was 3 jobs in at once. I always knew I preferred things I liked, things I felt were making a contribution to the world, and I could never pick just one passion. Part of the reason for the eruption of this webpage. But I frankly always knew there was more to it. I enjoyed working, I was good at working, but I would get these waves of exhaustion, physically pain to the point of tears, that ultimately lost me my will to work in the same capacity.

Then came the eruption of the depression of laziness, after the exhaustion hit from trying to make it all work. Something I think all chronically ill people have to deal with at least once in their life (usually as a cycle). The modern capitalistic structure truly ignites the atmosphere for this type of thought processing to be alive & well, while our body feels like it’s decomposing. I realized how unable I was to keep even one, 6 hour shift afloat for my day, in any consistent capacity. I didn’t myself to make promises to an employer that I couldn’t keep. I genuinely felt unable to sustain my energy, and I knew this wasn’t something that was going to change for me anytime soon. This was 2 years before my diagnosis.

I want to make clear, while the concussions I have suffered over the last 4 years have created a worse situation for me., these symptoms have always been present. I have repeatedly brought these symptoms up to a doctor and have actively been ignored. It was not until a chronic illness specialist checked my blood and was actively looking for it. The disease connects all the issues I have been having in my life, and things like the nerve pain, I had been unable to really explain to anyone.

& then there was the masking.

Now let me first say, a job is not my entire life. However when you live in a system that functionally defines you by what you offer to the group, being chronically ill makes you feel like you should be shot out back.

Probably the hardest part to express to people and work through myself. I am obviously still a human that had energy, gets up, moves about their day. I am a person, and that is value enough.

There is a lot unseen that goes into making sure that I can go about my daily life in peace. It has taken me years, and still working through daily practices that allow me to be the most optimal throughout my days. Nothing is ever perfect. Sometimes no matter what I do, I can never find a balance that is perfect for everyday. They all need a different equation, and I was only really good with simple algebra 2 concepts.

So that’s where I start. From the beginning everyday.

The medical system stops after a certain point, the autonomy you have to sustain for yourself, limits the amount they can help you.

My will is strong, and I know I am capable. I trust better resources will be available, and I will live a life where, not my job, but my way of life defines me.

The Movement Forward:

This webpage is the safe haven. As is community.

I have spent a long time being debilitated from this. I have been shunned from friends for not understanding, fired, not paid because they can play off my illness, as my inability to work.

Therefore, I have had to move towards working for myself and reliable places of income. Create the space for me to get out all of my niche skills & offer them. Expand on my life, from this point. REALLY working on not comparing where I am at to others, a common theme in general in the art world.

With also being a healer, if I really wanted to manage my time properly, I needed to create the space for that. While I am not always working, it helps me. I have to manage my money better, and my social interactions.

TIME FREAKING MANAGMENT, is still the thing I see can be my greatest success, or downfall.

Art as Healing:

As an artist, I think you learn pretty quickly, the amount of time it takes you to produce something, after practice & discipline is relayed. Becoming a skilled artisan is no joke. Also not something I felt I wanted to participate in. So, I adapted. I created a dog sitting company, that allowed me to create a steady income, while also allowing me the time I need to do my art. It doesn’t always work out to the advantage of the other, having a studio, moving art supplies around. You make it work if you find a functional way to do it for yourself.

I was always weary of making art and selling it, what if I couldn’t produce enough, what if people didn’t like it, I’ll need to find the right space for it. All valid and good questions and concerns to have, but I couldn’t allow me, to limit myself. I also desperately needed to be making art, and I had always knew I wanted to make it apart of my income.

Art and healing have always been deeply intertwined for me. Movement, too, has played a huge role in my journey—reminding me that healing isn’t just a mental or emotional process, but one that lives in the body. Creating space for our own healing takes time, and the truth is, it’s rarely a gentle process. At times it feels brutal. There are weeks, sometimes even just single days, when the weight of everything makes it nearly impossible to create. And yet, even when it’s hard, art is the thread I hold onto—the thing that keeps me grounded and sane.

For me, the act of making art isn’t about perfection or producing something to sell. If people connect with my work and choose to buy it, that’s a gift I’m grateful for. But the real value of my art lies in the healing it offers me—a kind of wealth that can never be measured in dollars. It is a private currency of survival, clarity, and renewal. In that way, my art is both my sanctuary and my medicine.

It is my will to follow the practices that keep me grounded—what steadies my mind, keeps me balanced, and allows me to stay in harmony with both the world within me and the world around me.

Art, in all its forms, is the lifeline that carries me through. Expression, in its rawest honesty, is not just a release but a refuge. These acts of creating and revealing are my solace—the place I return to when everything feels unsteady. And more than that, they are my savior, the force that reminds me I can keep moving forward, no matter how heavy life becomes.

The Vague, rounded out, Ending & Beginning:

Solutions become daunting when you never want look at the root of the problem.

Often, the roots, look different from the rot.

I have been gutting the garden for far to long without planting seeds.

Art became my seeds.

I will be toiling with the idea of solutions till the day I finally to move on from this body. I will share more on these ideas of living in a body with chronic illness. For now, I leave you with this…

We know our bodies deeply, better than any medical system, and I need you reading, to ponder on those words.

We are the ones who must ultimately save ourselves, yet that journey is never meant to be taken alone. It takes the wings of community to lift us, to remind us of who we are, and to guide us back home to ourselves. Each of us carries a unique piece of the whole—something to share, something to contribute. And just as we are givers, we are also receivers. We need one another’s wisdom, one another’s skills, one another’s presence. Healing and growth are not solitary paths; they are woven from the threads of connection, reciprocity, and the courage to both offer and accept support.

My journey in life has always guided me back to myself. It had guided me back to the truth that humans have never existed, or birthed alone, and we will continue to do so till the end of time.

While I deeply understand I am an individual, having my own unique experience, I acknowledge the web of interconnectedness in this all. That my body is a way for me understand how the world works, and how I function as a niche string, keeping the connection alive.

I will continue to live in this body, evolving this character, and living to nurture the lives around me.

& I have found the ending is always the beginning.